A hiatus.. and rantings on life and death

Just realized, that it has been almost 2 weeks since I last blogged.

Incidentally, Aug 16 (the day I last blogged) was also the last day my dearest cousin, Kak Nor, was seen on Whatsapp. "last seen 8/16/13, 1:27PM" (waktu Sudan, of course)

She slipped into coma on Sunday and passed away on Monday, Aug 19.

I rushed back to Singapore, although not many understood why. I mean, we were (are) just cousins. First cousins.. but does it really warrant a trip of over 7,000km?

What not many realized was that Kak Nor and I were actually very close. See, I have 4 first cousins (and 1 second cousin) whom I'm very close with (although they are from different aunties and uncles). So close that they are more like my brothers and sisters. We grew up together. We got scolded by our grandmas together. We did science experiments together.

And now that I'm in Sudan, we continued this awesome relationship via Whatsapp. These 4 cousins are those who still bothered to Whatsapp me from time to time, checking to see if I'm alright.

"Da.. Sudan gaduh lagi ye. U ok?"

"You take care okay Sayang? Jangan berani sangat."

"Da.. I met mama and ayah kat kenduri tadi. Tetiba abang teringat dan rindu kat Dada."

These are cousins who would gossip about our family feuds. Heheh. Cousins who promised to watch out for my parents and who would post pictures of them cooking / eating my favorite food and telling me that they're eating on my behalf. (And wishing that I'm with them, of course.)

These are cousins who inform me when their cats go missing. Or when they have issues at work.

And yes, one of the cousins is also my travel companion. Always ready and eager to go on an adventure with me.

Of course, what we tell each other, our parents don't know. Heheh. But I enjoy being in this "cousins circle". After all, blood is thicker than water kan.. so in times of need, shouldn't these lovely people be the first that I approach?

So yeah. I decided to do the Amazing Race thing (flew from Khartoum to Cairo to Bangkok and finally to Singapore) because the other airlines (Emirates, Qatar, Etihad and Ethiopian) were fully booked. And yes, I missed the funeral and tahlil on the first night, but I did manage to catch tahlil day 2 and 3 and visited her grave jugak. I managed to stand by her grave and whispered all that I wanted to say to her. I also hugged her parents and told them that if they need me, I am just a phone call away (sebab they have just lost their only daughter).

It felt good, you know. I had to miss work for a few days (and at a crucial time too as we had issues and the veepee visiting us in Sudan) but it felt good. I knew that my parents (and her parents) needed me more. I could easily assign someone to replace me at work.. but I could never assign anyone to be the daughter and niece to my family.


Anyway, back to Kak Nor.. at least her 11 months of suffering is over. Yes, the dreaded Cancer had won the fight.. but I know my cousin put up a good fight.

Speaking of which, while traveling hari tu, I thought a lot about death. What if I knew I was dying? What would I do?

And so I made a mental checklist. If I knew that my time's almost up, this is what I would do:

1. Find out how long more will I be fit to travel. If possible, I would want to make a last visit to Mekah and Madinah. There's a certain kind of peacefulness bila berada di Mekah or Madinah. Somehow, you tend to forget "dunia" when you are there. And I would like to do just that. Sit in the mosques and marvel at the greatness of God. I want to recite the Quran over and over again and I want my favorite Imams to lead my prayers. I want to thank God for giving me a good life.. :)

2. I want to write notes.. for the ones I love (family, friends and ex-boyfriends). Not in the wasiat kind of way.. but I want to tell them how I feel about them. How memories of them have always made me smile. I want to thank them for being part of my life.. for giving me the chance to love and be loved. (Now I have a long list of names, hopefully, I will get to complete them.)

3. I want to embrace death. Feel happy.. not sad. After all, I am finally gonna return to my Maker kan? Yes, it would be sad to leave my loved ones behind.. but they will soon join me jugak kan? I mean, everyone will die someday. It's a matter of WHEN and HOW. Seriously, I want to be happy. The thought of death used to depress me. But not anymore. Why be sad when you know you are going to meet your Maker? Maybe sebab I've had my journeys.. Planning of trips to Europe and Africa etc. Now is the time to prepare for my final journey..

Memang lah the thought of death is scary. Ahli agama kata mati itu menyakitkan. And then there's the stories on seksa kubur etc. But you are meeting the Maker. Isn't that more wonderful than anything else?

So yeah, Kak Nor's death has made me re-think about life. And death. Death is scary but it's also welcoming at the same time. Saying goodbye to loved ones (on earth) will be tough.. but if they loved you enough, you will meet them again in the afterlife kan.

I now realized that there's no other way: Embrace LIFE and DEATH. :)