Rindu

A Sunday confession

I didn't have a good start today. Woke up to a barrage of messages from an old classmate asking for money. Nak pinjam duit nak biayai kos perubatan, katanya.

My gullible heart is torn. On one hand, I do want to pinjamkan dia duit.. but she's asking for RM1,900. That is a lot of money. On the other hand, she borrowed RM750 masa bulan puasa sebab masa tu, her mum nak buat operation mata. Katanya. And she's not paid me back. Not even a single sen.

And that's the thing about pinjam meminjam kan. Very rarely have I come across people yang bayar balik hutang ni. A good friend of mine pinjam RM1,500 a few months ago. She started a new job at a totally new location and she needed the money to settle in. Kononnya lah. She promised to pay back when she gets her new salary (yang kononnya banyak lah kan), but she never did.

I wonder how people can conveniently lupa that they pinjam duit orang. Oh well. Such is life.

So am I gonna pinjam kan the RM1,900 to this friend? Nope. Not when she didn't even have the courtesy to even wish me "Selamat Hari Raya". Never bothered to update me about the RM750 that she promised to pay back once she gets her claim. And now, tetiba dia nak pinjam duit lagi.

Am I being such an evil person sebab tak pinjam kan duit tu? Bukan kah rezeki tu, Allah beri, so I can help another person?

Sigh...

Anyway, I just found out a few days ago that I will be transferred back to KL in the next few months. Which could only mean one thing: My days in Khartoum are numbered.

I have no regrets coming to Sudan. It has been such a wonderful experience. I've met some really awesome people and I am blessed to have found people who pampered me and took good care of me.

Sudan has also made me see life in a different way. I've been given the chance to be with people yang have so little to live with, yet I am sure they are so much more happier and contented than me. So that taught me to count my blessings, no matter how little they may be. Segalanya ada hikmah kan? Kalau miskin di dunia, mungkin kaya di akhirat. Kalau miskin harta, mungkin kaya dengan kasih sayang. Allah tu kan maha adil.

Speaking of kasih sayang, I have a confession to make.

Bila I sembahyang in my room, arah kiblatnya, menghala ke pintu bilik I. And so, bila berdoa tu, I memang am facing the pintu. And that pintu pulak, is facing the main door to my house.

Sometimes tu, when I miss a particular person tu, I berdoa... moga Allah buka kan hati dia to come and visit me in Khartoum. Sometimes when I pray, I close my eyes and wish that when I open my eyes, he will be walking through the door.

And so I berangan, that we would get married, and I would get the chance to bring him to Khartoum.. and show him my apartment. And he would walk through the door and see how I've been living my life.

Entah kenapa, since I got to know that I will be transferred back soon, I macam sedih every time I berdoa. Perhaps knowing that the doa will not be fulfilled. Not this time.

That he will never walk through the door, because he doesn't have it in his heart to even come and see me in Khartoum.

I know that tidak semua doa itu akan dikabulkan Allah. That He must have His reasons for not answering my prayers. Not this one.

Cuma I terkilan. I have always wished that he would come to Khartoum and see my life here. That he would walk through the door and I would pull his hands and proudly show him my place.

But alas. That is not to be.

Allah maha mengetahui kan. So I'm sure it's for the best, that he didn't come to Khartoum. I just have to remind myself that ini semua dah tertulis. For Allah is the best of planners kan.

Oh my. It's such a sad Sunday. It doesn't help that I am missing him and wishing (against all odds) that he is here with me. Right now.

And that is the sucky part about being single and alone. That when you get all emotional, you have no one to hold you and soothe your nerves. And we all need that sometimes kan? I think no matter how strong (or confident) you look on the outside, there's always a part of you that wants to be loved. Always.

Okay. I'm ranting. It's gonna be a long week for me and I have tons of things to do.

Being busy is good kan? At least then you don't have time to ponder about other things. It's like a temporary amnesia to all your rasa rindu and emotional stuff.

*sigh*

ps./ I also have to remind myself that not all things are meant to be. And that hati dan perasaan ni tak boleh dipaksa. So hati, redha kan lah. He might not want to be my husband and might not want to come and visit me in Khartoum, but he is still a very good and dependable friend kan. So redha kan lah.