The last breath

This is gonna be a sad post, I'm afraid. For death is always so morose and gloomy.

Woke up yesterday to Nelson's sad whatsapp message. His ailing dad had passed on in the morning. Just the day before, he texted to tell us (in the group chat) that he had to rush back to Sg Petani. Doctors have called for all family members to be on standby.

Sigh. Such is life. Nels was lucky cuz he managed to get to the hospy on time.

Tapi sedih kan. Death is always so painful and sad..

Me celebrating Christmas with Nels' family in 2009

I remember the father very well. He's cheeky and flirty, just like Nelson. Heh. A funny guy too. I think he liked me cuz he always sat next to me and would chat with me. Sharing stories of the past and asking if I were enjoying myself.

So yes, I remember him as a kind, lovable person. He's blessed to have children and grandchildren who adored him to bits.

Sweet uncle, may you now rest in peace. You may be gone, but never forgotten. I told Nelson to tell you to hang on. I will try and go to Sg Petani this Christmas to see you.. but I guess God has other plans. But please know, that you are loved.

 I think about death a lot too, these days. Sometimes, I'd wonder if I dah "cukup bekalan" for the afterlife. Sometimes, I wonder if God were to take me now, am I prepared to be with Him?

I was browsing through an old blog last night (while trying to find the picture of the 2009 Christmas celebration in Sg Petani) and found this old entry:

I think, in a way, I'm glad I didn't settle down so soon. Because I'm single, I have no one to worry about, but me. And so, over the last 5 years, I've traveled to various parts of the world and done awesome things (from attending United Nation assembly in New York to trekking in the thick jungles of Borneo), met various people from all parts of the world (from powerful Ministers to the nomadic Penans who still live on trees!), seen so many things (from freak accidents to beautiful weddings and good concerts), had my heart broken so many times but also got all the love and pamperings that a girl could ever wished for. Oh, and I've had three surgeons worked on my body and face too!

Yes, I'm blessed. *all smiles*

And yes, I bet there's more to come. After all, the world is a huge playground kan.. and there's still so many things to explore. Before I close my eyes and meet my Maker, I'd like to walk down the aisle with my man, go through the pain of delivering my child(ren), watch Arsenal play "live" at the Emirates Stadium in London, visit at least one country in every continent in the world (Asia, Africa, North America, South America, Antartica, Europe and Australia), go to the seven new wonders of the world (Great Wall of China, Leaning Tower of Pisa in Italy, the pyramids of Egypt, Eiffel Tower in France, Statue of Liberty in New York, Taj Mahal in India and the Hanging Gardens of Babylon in Iraq).

I want to finish my PhD, learn how to cook and bake, have the ability to speak different languages and play at least one musical instrument (gamelan, guitar, violin).

That entry was written in January 2010. And since then, I've struck off more stuff from the list:

1. Get married
2. Give birth
3. Watch Arsenal play "live" at the Emirates Stadium in London - DONE
4. Visit at least one country in every continent. - ALMOST DONE, with the exception of the Arctic and Antarctic (Asia, Africa, North America, South America, Antartica, Arctic, Europe and Australia)
5. Go to the seven new wonders of the world - NOT QUITE DONE (Great Wall of China, Leaning Tower of Pisa in Italy, the pyramids of Egypt, Eiffel Tower in France, Statue of Liberty in New York, Taj Mahal in India and the Hanging Gardens of Babylon in Iraq).
6. Finish my PhD - Sighhhhh.. I MUST get this done lah. I MUST!
7. Learn how to cook and bake - Heheh. I can cook (a little)! And I cook and bake for friends these days too! :)
8. Speak different languages - Okay lah. I never really mastered French (despite studying it TWICE), but now I can converse in Arabic / Sudanese Arabic (syueya syueya.. heheh). And I know Bahasa Melayu and English, of course.
9. Play at least one musical instrument - I can play the gamelan! :)

Actually, not bad kan? Oh. And now I'm adding a 10th item:
10. Pergi haji - which I am hoping to do, this year, insya Allah.

So itu lah. Dreams do come true, you know. If we put our heart and mind to it, we can do it. Well, of course some things are beyond our control lah kan.. cam kawen and all .. sebab jodoh tu di tangan Tuhan.. but there are other things to do too..

I think, after my haji, I would view death more openly. After all, kita semakin tua and jangka hayat di dunia makin pendek kan. But I have enjoyed my life and I'm thankful for what God has given me. Yes, there are challenges, but there are also many, many things to be thankful for.

Cuma satu lah.. when I die nanti, I hope my family and friends will remember me in a kind way. I want to be remembered as a fun, loving person.. and an imperfect person (yang jatuh in the office and cut her forehead, yang clumsy and forgetful, yang full of drama).. But I want to be remembered as a girl who bears no malice and frankly, memang I bear no malice pun.. I still love all the guys who've touched my heart (despite them breaking my heart dulu-dulu.. heheh) and I still pray that God bless them for all the kindness that they have shown to me and my family.

I think my heart and conscience are clear. Dalam hati ni, takde perasaan marah pun pada sesiapa. And that is the truth.

And I hope I will remain that way, Insya Allah. Life is too short to be angry at anyone.. kan?

So yeah. Such a sad post. But life is like that kan? Ada hari kita berduka, ada hari kita gembira.

Okay.. gotta reply some emails and head out for lunch with the boys. Memandangkan esok dah start berpuasa, we all nak makan sakan hari ni.. heheh.

Selamat berpuasa semua.. xoxo